Sing Along......

.......to the tune of “The Battle of New Orleans” 

 “In 2022, we took a little trip

Along with Admiral Maggie

Down the “mighty”  Mississip

We took a jug of  Dewars

And we took a bunch of  wine

But there ain’t enough alcohol in the world

To make the Mississippi  fine.”

 (With the apologies to Johnny Horton)

You probably remember the glorious image of the Mississippi River offered by your grade school teachers.  Mighty river rolling to the sea.  Vital pathway of exploration.   Lifeblood of a nation.   Critical arterial of commerce.   Blah, blah, blah,  yada, yada, yada………

To which we politely reply, “Bunk!”

To Loopers, the portion of the Mississippi from Alton, IL to its confluence with the Ohio River at Cairo (pronounced “Kay-row”) IL is just a necessary evil. It is simply part of the path we must follow from the Great Lakes to the Kentucky Lakes and the Tennessee Valley.  It bears little  resemblance to the river of Hernando Desoto   Or of Mark Twain. Or of General U S Grant. Or of James Michener. Or even of John Cameron Swayze.   Sheesh.

Leaving our berth at Alton after topping off with 340 gallons of diesel (don't a$k), we encounter a brief flash of brilliance as we pass under the 4,600 feet long Clark Bridge connecting Illinois and Missouri.  

The river is board and deep and shining in the morning sun.  But as we pass thru the Melvin Price Lock at 400 feet above sea level, we realize that its all down hill from there.  On several levels.

Below the lock, we saw the current increase to 2+ kts, cutting our fuel consumption by about 10%.  

Our first historical encounter is with the confluence with the Missouri River, aka The Big Muddy.   We approached with vision of grandeur.  Lewis and Clark, mountain men in canoes laden with pelts, flatboats of settlers with all their possessions., the opening of the Great American West!  Surely there will be a monument.  Maybe a visitor’s center and some reenactors?  A native American protestor or two? .

Well, not so much.

What we saw was a nondescript, albeit muddy, river flowing into the Mississippi from the west.  And forming a large sand bar just waiting to snare an unwary boater.  No monument, so sign, no scenic overlook, nothing.  And, if you stare at it too long, pondering the lack if recognition of this historic juncture, you run the risk of missing this sign:

 

Miss this sign and you will find yourselves floating over the infamous Chain of Rocks Dam. To. Your.  Doom..   Follow the sign and you will “enjoy” an 8.5 mile no-wake-speed slog down the Chain of Rocks Canal to the Chain of Rocks Lock. 

Beyond the scenic boredom of Chain of Rocks lies  St Louis, a city whose history is largely defined by the river.  But with one prominent exception (The Gateway Arch) it is a city that seems to have turned its back on the river.   There are no boater facilities, no waterfront access or development.  Just barge terminals and flood walls.    

The existence of the cities and towns along the Western Rivers is dominated by flood risk.  So they seem to fall into two categories.   Some are quite distant from the river.  These then require a hike/Uber/Courtesy Car in order to access city amenities.   The few cities built close to the river looked a bit like medieval walled cities, guarded by walls, towers, and levies against the threats from the waters.  A downright inhospitable look to approaching Loopers.

After a cooperative photographic monument in St Louis with buddy boat Water Witch…..

 

…..we headed downriver to  our port for the night , Hoppies Marine Service.   A legend among Loopers, Hoppies is that only reliable source of fuel between Alton, IL and Paducah, KY, a distance of some 250 miles.   And like some of the places we stopped on the Illinois, Hoppies is (to put it politely) rustic, consisting of three re-purposed river barges moored just off the river channel with a fuel pump and space of 6-8 boats.  The decks are strewn with gear and simply walking the length of “docks” is hazardous.  And we were SO glad to have it available.  

The folks who run the place are wonderfully helpful, especially Debbie, daughter of the founders,  Hoppie and Fern (now in their 90’s), who provided an invaluable briefing on current river and anchorage conditions.   With water levels “on a fall” and no marinas for 200 miles, her knowledge and insights helped us understand which anchorage sites would eb available to us.  We topped off the evening with a short Uber ride for a Looper Italian dinner in the town of Liberty, MO.

Departing Hoppies on a brisk current,  our group headed for the mouth if the Kaskaskia River 42 miles to the south, where a USACE  dam provides free mooring space (no power or water) along a lock wall for 8-10 boats.  We tied to the concrete wall and dinghied Admiral Maggie to shore for her “business” and for a nice walk to the nearby visitors center.  The young docent there didn’t comment that we were still wearing our life jackets, but asked if we wanted to see the inside of the lock.  We declined, noting that we had seen the inside of more than enough locks, thank you VERY  much.      We closed out the evening with a sunset Docktails (Wall-tails?) gathering atop the lock wall.

October 1 saw on a 70 mile voyage to an anchorage known as Little Diversion Canal.  A man-made channel intended to divert storm water to the river from several Missouri communities, it provides a secure sheltered anchorage (as long as its not raining!) and is another Looper “secret”. With space for 6-10 boats.   At “normal” water levels, it offers a 70’ wide, 20’ deep channel with good anchor holding and wooded shore.  In our current situation, it offered a muddy ditch, barely 50’ wide with maybe 6’ of water at the center.  Add a 3+kt river current  and a prominent sandbar at the entrance and it got  even more challenging.  Still, we managed to get 7 boats secure with bow and stern anchors and settled in for the night.

With the narrow confines, getting Admiral Maggie to shore required only a short dinghy ride.  All we had to do was run the bow of the dinghy up on the shore and hop out on to dry land, right?  Well, not so much.  What she (and we) encountered for the first time was Mississippi Mud.  OMG.  It’s a black mix of fine silt, clay, and god-knows-what-else with adhesive properties like no other.  NASA should be using this stuff to hold the International Space Station together.  SHEESH!   the first trip left the floor of the dinghy smeared with mud and  it took is 20 minutes to clean it from Maggie’s paws and our shoes.  Even Commadore Kathleen’s prized $15 rubber boots were no match for it.  For subsequent trips, we modified our technique to allow Maggie to hop ashore for her needs while we waited in the dinghy.  (he,he he😊 )

With many anchorages below Little Diversion unavailable due to low water,   We and Water Witch decided our next day would be a 100 mile stretch all the way to Paducah, Ky on the Ohio River.    This would be our longest voyage to date in both time and distance and a test our endurance (and that of Maggie’s bladder.) 

Like most folks, you probably think the Mississippi flows south.  But the stretch between Little Diversion and Cairo (“Kay-row”) IL uses the entire compass.  It winds from south to West, to east, to north, and back to south.  Like a drunken snake.  

But we were pleased by the limited barge traffic and were able to cruise at 10.5-11 knots to help reduce our travel time.   Then, just 20 miles above Cairo ("Kay-row"), in some of the twistiest sections of the river, we encountered eight large tows in a row, requiring that we slow down and proceed cautiously along the edge of the charted channel to give them sufficient room.   Turns out there was  a large dredge working just above Cairo that had been holding back traffic and paused its work to allow all these towboats to pass with their attendant barges.   Right in our faces.  Your tax dollars at work.  Sheesh. 

At Cairo (“Kay-row”)  we left the Mississippi and turned to port to begin a short  voyage on the Ohio River.   

Now THIS is a river worthy of the title “Mighty”.   At this point the Ohio is twice as  wide, twice as deep, and twice as clean  as the Mississippi.    In fact, were it not for the Ohio’s contribution, we question whether the Mississippi would even reach the Gulf of Mexico.

With 45 miles still left in our voyage, two other things changed with our turn into the Ohio.  First the current was no longer our friend.  Second, the navigation buoys switch sides of the river.  Because we were now proceeding upstream for the first time since leaving Lake Michigan.   We had to adjust our RPM to maintain our speed and adjust our piloting to get back into a “red right returning” mindset. 

In company with Water Witch and a very intrepid canoeist bound for Knoxville)..... 

.......we passed thru the Olmstead Lock and made our way to the City Transient Dock at Paducah, KY.    A recent addition to the Ohio River, this facility became and instant hit with Loopers, adding a much-needed fuel and rest stop between Hoppies and the resorts in the Kentucky Lakes region.  After 10 hours underway we were a bit weary (and Admiral Maggie was REALLY ready for a trip to store.)   Fortunately, we arrived in the midst of evening Docktails for a dozen  Looper boats and received refreshments and  no shortage of (good and bad) docking advice and assistance. 

Next up?  Kentucky Lakes.  But that is for another time..

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